Since the breakup, I’ve been trying to put one foot in front of the other, instead of just stumbling around.

I have decorated, I have been distracting myself with reading and watching television (although very limited and mediocre television…), and I have tried to avoid dwelling.  I think I’m doing a pretty good job, but sometimes little things sneak in and slap me in the face.

I’ve been trying to focus on all the good times we had, without any real bitterness towards the end.  I’m grateful for all those years, and I don’t want to wipe my memory completely clean of it.  Now for the other situation that happened, I’d love to have an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind moment, but I’m taking it as a learning experience of figuring out who has your back and who doesn’t.

Sadly in these last few weeks, I’ve been having a LOT of pain.  It doesn’t help that my bed here is significantly less soft than the one I had before.  My hips and knees have been KILLING me, alongside chronic stomachaches which are no fun, inflamed nerves in my left arm, and sleep problems EVERY night due to the pain.  Sadly, the nights are when I’m awake and no one else is around, so it tends to be when my brain decides to dwell.  The nights are definitely the hardest for me.

I know that I need to channel these feelings into art, but the pain from Fibromyalgia is really getting in the way of allowing that to happen.  Everything is a big pile of hurt.  On the plus side, the body hurt is a decent distraction from the heart hurt (is that a plus side?  I’m not really sure…).  I have definitely learned that a broken body does not stop for a broken heart.

Fun things people have encouraged to distract me:

The most adorable anime I’ve ever seen!!

I always love a good cooking show

I was super frustrated with how Catching Fire ended so hopefully this one will have answers for me!

Anyone have any other good ideas to heal a broken heart? (Other than time, because that one can only come so fast haha!)

xoxo,

Annie

Since I’m in a fair amount of pain today, I’m going to show my fave outfits of the week that I’ve seen!

Zooey Deschanel in classic black and white!

Mandy Moore – I have a thing for classic tweed jackets!

Kate Middleton, looking every bit like a princess!

Kristen Stewart, looking super glam, unlike her normal down-to-earth outfits…

I love Jessica Alba’s style!

Charlize Theron, matching with Kristen Stewart!

The two of them together – makes me want to see Snow White and the Huntsman!

And Miranda Kerr, looking like a goddess!

Who is your favorite?  Do you have any style icons?  I know this is a health blog, but sometimes I like to throw in a few of my other interests, like fashion, art, and poetry!

xoxo,

Annie

I am still in the process of unpacking and adjusting to my new place of living.  It’s taking a serious toll on my energy levels and my muscles are flaring out of control, but I almost have the little bedroom looking the way it should.  It’s amazing that I’ve managed to cram three quarters of a house into a singular room!

I don’t know how people move all of the time.  I’ve only done it maybe 6 times and every time I swear I am never going to move again.  As someone who values feeling safe, secure, and calm, moving becomes a living hell for me.  While my things are in boxes, I’m just in a state of chronic panic attacks.  As such, it’s been a rough couple of weeks!!  I’m starting to feel comfortable again, although I will still require a little more time to actually feel like it’s my home too, and not just my parents’.

Mr. Marms is adjusting!  For the first little while he seemed to think that we were just there for a few days, so he was waiting impatiently and grumpily to go back home, but now he’s being a good little dude and realizing that this is where he’s going to stay.  He likes to make a game out of chasing the dog, but the dog just stops dead in fear and ruins his fun!!  Poor dog.  It will be a hard adjustment for her to have a bigger animal in the house!!

On the plus side, I’m now getting solid food down again in small quantities, and the food here is wayyyyy better than anything I would ever cook for myself.  My mom is a great cook, and when I was on my own, I hardly ate anything other than cereal.  It’s a nice change and will hopefully do something for my health!  If not, it’s still pleasant to mix it up a bit!

As for today, I think a nap may be in order after all of this organizing!  My kitty is in bed with me so we’ll snuggle up.  Good times with Mr. Marms and fluffy pillows.

Gotta keep on moving…

(Images from WeHeartIt)

The uphill battle is almost complete!  It is now time to start a new chapter in my life, and who knows where it will bring me.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming~

xoxo,

Annie

• While I like having all my stuff here, it’s a) going to take forever to get fully put away and b) it makes me sad to look at what was at the other house and is now gone…
• My trip to Boston got cancelled, as I keep waking up through the night with weird and painful new problems.  My health interferes with EVERYTHING.
• The amount of damage I’m doing to my poor health by heavy work day after day after day to unpack.
• I’m missing cable tv – no good distractions!  I wonder if I could get away with putting a television in my room (or if that’s even possible…).  If I could, that would be pretty awesome.
• I still don’t feel entirely like this is my home, but I guess it just takes time…
• Until things get done, I have little time to chat on twitter!  I’m getting twitter withdrawal!
• Trying to figure out what things of mine need to go to a flea market sale, and what I can cram into a single small bedroom.  Plus, I hate having things super crowded so I’m going to have to make some serious editing decisions.
• I need distraction recommendations – right now I’m watching Top Chef Masters, but I only have a few episodes left – what do you recommend??

I’ve burnt a few now, and hopefully they are leading me to brighter places!

Ha, I’d be pleased if a cat was in my mailbox!  Too cute!

Sounds about accurate for me right now…

What’s bothering you this week?  Feel like sharing and connecting?  It always feels like a weight off of my shoulders once I manage to put my problems in words.  Not that it makes the problems magically disappear…

xoxo,

Annie

Well, it’s pretty much one of the most important days of the year for me.

It’s well known to me that people with these co-morbid illnesses (Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS) do not have the strength to go to public events, to protest, and make large amounts of noise, as most of us are stuck in our own houses, struggling to get by day-to-day.  I noticed that one of this year’s twitter tags for the event is #dontforgetus.  Definitely an important message, as the majority of us feel invisible, just like our illness.

Today, I am very aware of this sickness, as I packed up all my things to move yesterday and I now have an arm with several pinched and inflamed nerves, a thrown out back, and a million other pains.  It hurts me to see my parents unpacking my things while I have to be in bed, unable to help.  It doesn’t make me feel good, that’s for sure.

All that any of us can ask on a day like today is that people take some time to read up on these misunderstood illnesses that have robbed us of so many parts of our lives (and for some taken their lives altogether…).  With the help of some people who care on the outside, maybe we can invoke some change in the medical community.

I’ve compiled some good reading about Fibromyalgia and ME here:

http://chronicfatigue.about.com/od/whatisfibromyalgia/a/understandfibro.htm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201205/why-can-t-medical-science-figure-out-chronic-fatigue-syndrome

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201104/the-stigma-chronic-fatigue-syndrome

http://www.facebook.com/notes/fibromyalgia-network/hurdling-painful-flare-ups/148760391814665

http://fmcfsme.com/FibromyalgiaShortTermMemoryLoss.php

http://www.livingwithfm.com/

Hopefully some of you will take the time to at least read a few, as they are all pretty short!

So, so, so many symptoms.

It’s not good people, it’s really not.

Hopefully, someday we’ll find some treatments and a cure (or several)…

Until then, all my friends in this illness – keep the fight going!

xoxo,

Annie

• I packed all of my stuff up at the old house today, so it will all just have to be loaded onto the truck and then unloaded and put away here.  The organizing is going to take awhile though, as the packing made me crazy sick!
• Looking at this change as though it’s a fresh new start – I’m not 100 percent behind this yet, but surely I can convince myself in time.
• Fun things on the Internet to distract myself…as my psych said, as long as I don’t spend too much time thinking, I’ll most likely be okay.
• The opportunity to redecorate my room and make it feel like a “me” space.  I can’t wait to find an awesome bed set!  It allows for some shopping online time, and even though I don’t have much for money, it’s still one of my favorite ways to pass the time!
• Magazine subscriptions, although I still need to change my Elle Canada over from the other address.
• Soon I will have a desk in my room so I can return to crafting and painting!
• The fur babies are getting along a little better, which takes a stress off of my shoulders!  It was really worrying that they just wouldn’t be able to adjust.  Marms still causes the dog some massive anxiety, but they can at least co-exist in the same room.
• The fact that I have the best mom in the entire world <3.

Kitty is not amused.

A beautiful painting by Melanie Weidner of a deep breath.  I need to start having more of these haha!

This is such a happy looking cute little turtle!!!! Makes me melt.

What are you all feeling grateful for this week?  I’d love to know, I could use a little cheering up after the trauma of today!!

xoxo,

Annie

My body is in epic pain and sleep deprivation, and I have to go pack up my ex-house tomorrow.

It doesn’t seem fair that those have to be happening at the same time, although the pain and sleep debt are relentless, so I don’t really seem to have much choice in the matter.  My fibro flare seems to be going up and up and up.  After I finish boxing up my entire life, I have to go see the psychologist and talk about this mess of a situation!  I can’t say I’m looking forward to tomorrow, as it sounds like a combination of a whole lot of tears and a few mini panic attacks (I hope they will be mini).  I’ll have to remember to put on music and try to power through it, even though I know my body will be broken for the next few days.

It’s Lupus Awareness Day!  I have so many friends suffering from this absolutely awful illness, and my own doctor thinks that a diagnosis for me is likely in the future.  Try to take time and read the article about it, so you can make yourself aware of what these people go through without a cure: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001471/.

As an autoimmune disease, it tends to combine with other autoimmune disorders until you’re watching your whole body fall apart.  These people are survivors and an inspiration to me.  Love you all!

Need to remember this while packing!

Awwwwwwww!!!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…

That’s my motto as of now.

I will just get it done tomorrow, move things, finish setting up my room and my stuff around the house, leave some stuff behind, and start a new chapter of my life.

xoxo,

Annie

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week!

Mental illness based healthcare is seriously the most misunderstood, under-funded, and harshly judged area in hospitals, considering that 1 in 5 people have a mental health problem at some point in their lives.

I have spent years of my life being told I have one mental illness or another, only to have the next doctor change their mind, and slap another label on me.  My latest psychiatrist, who I’m sad to say is leaving, refused to put a diagnosis on what I had, because he thinks that each individual is so different that no one falls entirely under a certain title.  His goal was to try and treat the areas that I had trouble with in my life, rather than burden me with more titles that people could judge.  After all, I have been sick most of my life with Fibromyalgia, only to have everyone label me as a hypochondriac and crazy.  Certain people still think such things, but I try to avoid such people.  Either way, I believe that between nature and nurture, a lot of us have neuroses and mental illnesses that need to be treated, but can’t necessarily be put in a singular box.

In addition, any time I was ever in the hospital for psych-based reasons, I was treated incredibly poorly.  I would border it on verbal and physical abuse.  I would be absolutely miserable in there, and not understand why they couldn’t just treat my pain in a regular unit of the hospital.  On the plus side, the people that were in the psych wards (minus a few who were too far gone…), were always the nicest people.  There was a camaraderie that would happen in those places where you ended up helping the people you were in with (and vice versa) more than anything else.  Sure you got your meds tweaked, and I am a believer that often meds are very necessary for survival in mental illness, but the key part was not feeling alone in your battle.

Twitter has been an amazing discovery of this camaraderie for me.  I can find all sorts of people who suffer from the same illnesses that I have and KNOW that the illnesses are real!  We all have a bond that we can’t find with other people, because unless you’re in those painful situations, you can’t believe them.  Meds help keep our lives working, but those people we relate to help just as much.

I hope that for Mental Health Awareness Week that people can start talking about their illnesses and neuroses, and not feel so ashamed of it.  I know so many people who think such problems equal shame.  It’s one in five people!  That’s not shameful at all!  The more we talk about it, the more change can occur in the worldview of mental illnesses and in the hospitals that treat them.

Important!

I wish I had an adorable pug doctor!!

We’re all a little nutty!

I hope this opens people’s eyes a little more to the mental illness battle – and that people can remember to spread love and not hate.

xoxo,

Annie

Sleep has been so elusive ever since this break-up, which is annoying as I’d like to sleep for a good long time.  I don’t feel so hot so I’m going to focus on my interest on last night’s Met Ball for the Schiaparelli and Prada Impossible Conversations exhibit, instead of something depressing!

My Top Ten Best Dressed (hard to choose as I thought everyone looked great last night!):

Coco Rocha, my favorite Canadian model, in a Givenchy jumpsuit bought from the Elizabeth Taylor auction!  It even has an original Elizabeth Taylor wine stain!  Talk about historical fashion!  Plus, I’m dying to get some pink extensions put in my hair!

Carey Mulligan, who was the event’s co-chair, looked like an amazing disco ball in this Prada dress!

Emma Stone, in Lanvin, who has never looked so cute!!

Florence Welch in Alexander McQueen, who is never afraid to take a killer fashion risk!

Kate Bosworth, in Prada, who was rocking the dark gothic look that was so popular last night!

Scarlett Johansson, who was a vision in Dolce&Gabbana.

Sarah Jessica Parker, always a style icon, wore Valentino to the event!

Diane Kruger, in Prada, stealing all of the attention in this violet stunner!

Solange Knowles, with Rachel Roy, both in Rachel Roy!  I LOVE Solange’s killer sense of style!

Camilla Belle, also rocking the dark lips in Ralph Lauren Collection.  I have no idea what this woman does, but she always seems to have the best clothes!

AND

An honorable mention goes to:

Lena Dunham (in Wes Gordon) and Hamish Bowles, who look adorable together!  I love how she’s rocking that tattoo!

I could have put so many pictures up, but I thought I’d keep it short and sweet.  Did you catch any of the fashion of last night’s Met Ball?  Who were your favorites?  Have you ever been to The Met Museum?  It’s a dream of mine, as I’m absolutely obsessed with museums.  Maybe someday my wish will come true.  If I got to wear a dress as glamorous as these to the museum, I’d be happy as a clam (well a sick clam anyway )!

How are you all doing today?

xoxo,

Annie

• That my Kimmy is so sick.  I want to take all my money and go visit her.  Maybe I’ll be lucky and that dream will come true someday soon.
• Trying to figure out what parts of my ex-house should go in my room and what should have to be stored or thrown out…
• Moving.  It’s exhausting.  I still have to box up half of a house, and then get a moving vehicle.  I still have about 10 boxes here that aren’t unpacked, because I need the rest of the furniture!
• So much pain!  After all the drama died down, my body went into a super painful spiral.  Doesn’t help that I lost the new mattress for an older one at my parents house.  It hurts to exist.
• That time both seems to be going too fast and too slow.  I need to get my inner zen on.
• Being in another head space where I absolutely can not read for the life of me.  It would be really nice to disappear into a book, but until then, I will stick with twitter.
• My kitty doesn’t love me as much at this house as he did in my old place.  It’s another loss to add to the pile.  Oh well, maybe I’ll manage to convince him with treats!!

Oh well, I’m at least keeping my head up.  I’ve managed to get through two days without bawling my eyes out now, so that must be a good start!  Looking forward to getting the rest of my stuff moved so that I can just close this chapter of my life and start a new one.  Trying to be optimistic about what could potentially be in my future, and not hold on to the anger and sadness.  I don’t need any more toxic energy in my body, it has enough already!

It was wayyy too cloudy for me to get a glimpse at the super moon!

I love this picture!

It’s my favorite learning place too!

What’s making you disgruntled this Monday?  I guarantee if you write it down you will feel a bit better about the whole thing!

xoxo,

Annie