I haven’t written anything in a long, long time.
Thanks to a year of severe hypersomnia, my mind has felt completely devoid of interesting thoughts. I have been so empty and depressed. I’m still struggling to produce writing and art, but I’m pushing myself to try to get out of this non-creative hell-hole into which my lack of health has pushed me.
You really don’t have much when you don’t have your health. All of my hobbies have fallen to the wayside and I feel like I’m never going to be able to produce anything worthwhile. I know one’s self-esteem and usefulness as a person does not stem from accomplishments, but everyone can agree that they help ease one’s feeling of ennui.
The few people I know ask me what I’ve been up to, only to watch me fumble around for an answer other than ‘nothing.’ I try to do some reading, but even that has been lackluster thanks to this endless fatigue and sleep pattern. I feel incredibly stifled and very little is inspiring to me anymore. I miss that feeling. I’m fighting to get that feeling back. I even long for the joy I used to get from reading magazines/shopping, but it’s so hard to want to dress up when no one else sees me. Since I’m on such a tiny income support budget, I can’t bring myself to waste those few precious dollars. I’m always thinking about how I’m going to support myself in the future, assuming I don’t magically get well enough to have a job. So many things that I’d like to do, and so little ability to be able to match them up with my life.
My life with severe illness does not even remotely resemble my life before. I’ve been irreversibly changed by the things that I have experienced and seen as a result of disability. My friend compared the change to a house being burned to its very foundation, and now one has to begin again, assembling pieces one by one. It’s time to rebuild, even if it’s just for a few minutes at a time.
I am devoting those few minutes to my art and writing. It just feels right to me, in an existence where so much feels wrong.
I can’t guarantee that I will be blogging regularly, but I will try to revisit it.
Much love to you all,