Nap All Day and Party Never…

Nap All Day and Party Never…

I’m not sure who created this picture, but it sums up my life.  I miss getting excited about things.  I was never a huge lover of parties, but I miss the primping with a friend that would happen beforehand, and how I would usually end up having a better time than I expected (thanks social anxiety!).  I miss having a goal and going after it with the dogged determination that I used to have before getting sick.  Everything seems far away and clouded…

In many ways, this last year was better than the year before it.  My health may not be great, but I’m no longer in the peril of a live-or-die situation.  I just feel so far behind (even though I technically know life is not necessarily the rat race that is taught to all individuals as they grow up…).  And lost.  And alone.  And confused.

The melancholia has taken over apparently…

I need to think less and do more.  If only it was that simple.

I’m finding some relief in Toni Bernhard’s book, How To Wake Up.  Buddhist thought is really the only thing that I’ve found helpful in dealing with my existential crises, but it’s not easy to change the mindset that I’ve had for so many years.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Do you ever feel this way?

xoxo,

Annie

5 Responses »

  1. Hi there I know it’s a bit early to be talking about new year’s resolutions but I was thinking about you the last few days and about how you feel you are not where you should be in life. What I did last year was to give myself a ‘year off’; starting at new year I gave into my life as it is for 365 days, promised myself to stop being so hard on myself and wishing my life away/pining for what was or could be and to ‘just be’. It led to my accepting a lot of things that were out of my control, I got stronger and more confident and no longer felt I had to explain or justify my illness to family/friends/people/doctors. I literally spent the first couple of months telling myself to ‘stop’ every time I caught myself wishing my life was something else or trying to find some way of getting back to work/being ‘useful’/contributing. I started by looking around me, to re-focus in the moment and find something that made me smile (a photograph, my crazy community of birds that visit the feeders on my balcony) something, however small or seemingly trivial, anything that brought me into the moment, but not to my being ill. It is in some way akin to Bhuddist noble truths. I’m thinking of doing it again next year as while my health may not have improved (in some ways it has worsened) it was such a relief not to have that pressure. I feel that I came to terms with a lot of things and without even realising it allowed many other things to come into my life that I may have missed otherwise. They say things happen to you when you least expect them to, so I removed the expectation… by doing that and continuing to I know that the Universe will reveal any plan to me in its (and my own good time), it’s like when I vowed to stay single in my 20′s as I felt that I was not at the stage to form a long term relationship…that lasted until 27 when I met G we’re still together 13 years later and though I know even that may not survive I’m ok with that too and accept it for what it is right now, for the time being. Man can I go on, and on…Nehoo you’re not alone, being lost isn’t always necessarily a bad thing and confusion is just uncertainty to the power of 10 and we can never be fully certain of anything other than what is right around us. Stay strong. Sibh

  2. Hi Annie,

    Sorry things have been rough lately, I hope that your birthday turns out to be a great day. Sending you lots of happy birthday wishes! xx

    I love Siobhan’s idea to take a year off, I’m going to do that for my birthday next year. I might even have two…

    The current has been pushing me further back downstream the last few weeks so I’m not going to make the milestone I set for Christmas. Horrible new and old symptoms are here and it sucks.

  3. Menancholia, that’s the word.
    I do my best to be positive, exercise at gym 4x per week, for 3 hrs. A session.
    Can’t shake that depressed feeling.
    I didn’t realize until I read your post.
    That I spent most of the time lately thinking about how things are trrible,
    With a bleak future.
    Ty getting me back on track.

  4. Siobhan and Sandy,
    This year has basically been my year off, but it’s easier said than done to ‘just be’! I try my best to live in the moment, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and it all seems to fall down on top of me.
    Every single day is a new start though, and that thought always gives me comfort :)

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