I’m not sure who created this picture, but it sums up my life. I miss getting excited about things. I was never a huge lover of parties, but I miss the primping with a friend that would happen beforehand, and how I would usually end up having a better time than I expected (thanks social anxiety!). I miss having a goal and going after it with the dogged determination that I used to have before getting sick. Everything seems far away and clouded…
In many ways, this last year was better than the year before it. My health may not be great, but I’m no longer in the peril of a live-or-die situation. I just feel so far behind (even though I technically know life is not necessarily the rat race that is taught to all individuals as they grow up…). And lost. And alone. And confused.
The melancholia has taken over apparently…
I need to think less and do more. If only it was that simple.
I’m finding some relief in Toni Bernhard’s book, How To Wake Up. Buddhist thought is really the only thing that I’ve found helpful in dealing with my existential crises, but it’s not easy to change the mindset that I’ve had for so many years.
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
Do you ever feel this way?