Throughout my entire life, I’ve had this pet peeve that I’ve never really brought up, but I’m going to now as it occurs in my conversations with approximately one third of the individuals that I know or meet.
It’s as though people want to win some kind of verbal competition for pain, and it’s really reeled in my complaining over the past year, as I’ve realized that very few people truly understand, and that it’s easier to rarely speak of my problems (as hard as that is, as I’m such an open individual).
I go to comment on something that is shattering my insides and the other person always points out either how they have it worse, or how other people in the world are suffering so much more. For some people it seems to get to the point of an argument instead of a moment of empathy. I do not speak to convince someone that I have a worse life; instead, I speak to try to reach some kind of common ground with the other person.
I’m starting to learn that the only people who can truly get it are the people who are in a similar boat as myself, and these people are hard to find as I suffer from physical, mental, and cognitive problems.
Alas, I look just fine on the outside, so it’s hard for people to see past that, and I understand and accept that they mean no real harm when they say such things. It’s just a tiring form of conversation that makes me feel worse about the problem at hand, and convinces me to go back to talking about pop culture and random ideas much more than my personal life.
It’s true – I don’t want to lose any more relationships.
(Image from WeHeartIt)
Do any of you with Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis, ME/CFS. Asperger’s, etc., feel this way sometimes? Do your conversations with other people steer in this direction? I know it’s especially prevalent in regards to depression. I’d love to know how you handle these situations.
xoxo,
Annie
Hi Annie
I recently chose to speak up when someone said ‘Mine is worse….’. I knew that they probably didn’t intend to hurt me with their comparison and at the same time, from experience, I knew if I didn’t say anything I would fester over it. So I said that I wasn’t expecting a reply from them and that instead I just needed to say how the comment had affected me, so I could get over it – I knew it was my stuff about my issues not being as important that was being triggered. By voicing it, I felt so much better and the other person took it well. Every time a comparison triggers the same pattern for me, I am going to do the same thing. That way, even if the other person isn’t so ok about it, at least I have been true to myself.
Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!
I finally met some people who said, wow, you sound overwhelmed. (NOT look at so and so who isn’t overwhelmed by that circumstance.)
Those people have been really helpful to me, helpful to help me accept who I am, what I’m going through, and the battles I’m fighting.
The people who are looking for self-validation? I gave up on them eventually. I just smile and nod and then move on.
I had a friend who had a lot of trouble breast-feeding her brand-new infant. She felt like a fake mom because her body wouldn’t cooperate no matter how hard she tried. And I realized that talking to her, I just wanted to cry with her, to experience the pain with her. I don’t know what that would be like and what missing being robbed of that opportunity would feel like. But I can imagine, I can be with her in the moment. She didn’t need another person to explain the benefits of breast-feeding or someone to tell her the latest research. She needed a shoulder to lean, a space in which she could acknowledge that this was hard, that this wasn’t turning out the way she planned.
Being true to yourself and recognizing the truth in others is hard. It’s easy to judge; it’s easy to view things from our perspective. As people take the time to hold my hand and walk next to me in my journey, I’m learning to take other people seriously in their walks.
Because if something’s hard for you, then it’s hard for you. It doesn’t matter that it comes naturally for everyone else. That’s beside the point.
Standing with you & hoping that you find some true friends,
Abigail
Abigail,
Exactly! I couldn’t have put it in better words myself. What is hard for me is not hard for everyone, and what is hard for everyone is not necessarily hard for me. It’s to think of what it would be like for the other person in that circumstance. Brilliant comment love!
Alison,
I think that it is fabulous that you are standing up for yourself in this case. I mean if you can’t stand up for yourself, who is going to do it for you? I think you’re awesome
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