It’s such a weird experience to lose a friend only to attempt to regain the friendship (with the breakup, with another friend..), and just as trying to attempt to make new friends.
I have so many feelings for these people, and I want to keep them all in my life, yet it causes me some stress. I don’t want to do anything to hurt them or me, and since my people skills aren’t the greatest in the whole world, I’m finding it hurting my head. I just want to be able to trust again, to be able to feel safe, and to feel loved. As much as I’ve held it together the last couple of months, that part of my psyche is pretty rattled.
I actually got some pretty good advice today, saying that you don’t need to 100% trust someone to be friends with them (which I tend to be like, as when I don’t feel trust, I get all paranoid). Apparently you just need to make smaller emotional investments in people, so if one of your investments goes horribly wrong, you aren’t emotionally bankrupt (like I was two months ago). Now, this will be tricky for me, as I tend to be an all or nothing, black or white person, but I like to think that I’m progressing at seeing the grey. As the years go by I learn just how complicated life is, and for overly emotional people it can be pretty extreme. Mind you, my psychologist at least manages to think that I’m both the most emotional person she’s ever met and the most rational at the same time, despite the fact that the two traits are rarely seen together.
I think I’ll be okay, I just might need some time. I’m really relishing my alone time to think through some of my problems as of late. All of this not watching any television is really giving me time to self-analyze! I just hope that everyone who cares about me will give me a little time to come around.