• Hiding in my bed from the world when I don’t feel well
• Warm GF chocolate cake from the oven…
• Making up with a friend after a big fight
• Painting my nails
• Watching funny animal gifs, which is pretty much all I’ve done all day
• I showered!  Go me, it was the first time I accomplished it all week!
• When I get a new magazine in the mailbox
• Maxi dresses
• SLEEP
• I’m starting to be able to watch movies and television by myself again!
• Big bright white peonies
• Summer food – a.k.a. corn on the cob and BBQ (when I can manage to get it down!)
• That my sister has made it home safe and sound…
• My mom is so sweet and helps look after me when I’m sick

I am wayyy too into Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield as a couple! Holy cuteness!

A hedgehog having a bath! CUTE.

I just wanna little sunshine too!

I like that even though I’ve had a tough week (as shown by the fact that I asked my mom what I loved this week and she couldn’t think of anything!!), I still managed to come up with a few.  I think that shows that no matter what is going on, if you peel back the clouds, you can still see a tiny bit of the sun.

What made your week worth living?

xoxo,

Annie

I am REALLY tired of these random changes in my hormones (and REALLY tired in general, but that’s a whole other story…).

I went from being relatively stable hormone-wise, right back to cysts, emotions galore, and hot flashes that last hours.  For the past few months I’ve been severely sweating under my eyes and on the back of my neck/in the lower part of my hair.  I don’t sweat in any of the normal places, so I don’t really understand this whole wacky turn of events.

I can’t wait to get off of this birth control pill and hopefully go back on the more dangerous, but more useful Diane 35.  At least that seemed to keep things somewhat under control, but I guess with these illnesses, I never really have a sweet clue what is taking place.  Plus, once I get off the other birth control, I’m worried my endometriosis will flare, and I really don’t want to have to have another surgery any time soon.

At least my weight appears to have stopped rapidly climbing in favor of leveling off.  Not that I don’t still have the sorrow of having half of a closet that doesn’t fit, but you have to take the good where you can find it right??

I related to a post on Facebook by a friend, who wrote that it was hard to read everyone’s updates as they are all getting married, having babies, getting their own homes, advancing in their jobs, etc…, while she’s at home ill and unable to advance the way that she thought she would in her twenties.  I’m definitely in a similar boat, but I think that this picture summarizes a tiny bit of what we’re feeling (minus the illness because that really does immensely suck):

It’s hard feeling like you are stagnant in every part of your life.  I feel like I am coming to peace and acceptance in my journey (which is a good thing, as I’m there earlier than many other people), but there is still this sinking feeling of missing out on the things that seem to make life “life,” and Facebook is more or less a highlight reel of other people’s good times.

As she said, hopefully she’s a late bloomer, and I’m going to cross my fingers that we both are!

xoxo,

Annie

I’ve been sick and in bed today, so I watched a couple of movies!

The Secret Life of Arriety:  

This was a delightful little film!  I put it on expecting to only watch half last night and the other half this morning, but it was too good to stop!!  Arriety is what they call a “little person” and a “borrower,” who goes into the human house and takes just little tiny things that people would never notice.  Shawn, a boy with a heart problem, ends up spotting her, and they embark on an unlikely friendship/adventure.  I HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Young Adult:

Charlize Theron really blew my mind in this role, playing the most immature, self-absorbed, alcoholic YA writer known to man.  What I liked most about this film was that it was really just a study of such a human being, and she doesn’t figure life out by the end.  Like the rest of us, she’s a work in progress (not completely hopeless, but definitely a difficult one!).  It’s rare that you find movies so very honest!

Have you guys seen anything good lately?  Some recommendations would be much appreciated!

xoxo,

Annie

It’s such a weird experience to lose a friend only to attempt to regain the friendship (with the breakup, with another friend..), and just as trying to attempt to make new friends.

I have so many feelings for these people, and I want to keep them all in my life, yet it causes me some stress.  I don’t want to do anything to hurt them or me, and since my people skills aren’t the greatest in the whole world, I’m finding it hurting my head.  I just want to be able to trust again, to be able to feel safe, and to feel loved.  As much as I’ve held it together the last couple of months, that part of my psyche is pretty rattled.

I actually got some pretty good advice today, saying that you don’t need to 100% trust someone to be friends with them (which I tend to be like, as when I don’t feel trust, I get all paranoid).  Apparently you just need to make smaller emotional investments in people, so if one of your investments goes horribly wrong, you aren’t emotionally bankrupt (like I was two months ago).  Now, this will be tricky for me, as I tend to be an all or nothing, black or white person, but I like to think that I’m progressing at seeing the grey.  As the years go by I learn just how complicated life is, and for overly emotional people it can be pretty extreme.  Mind you, my psychologist at least manages to think that I’m both the most emotional person she’s ever met and the most rational at the same time, despite the fact that the two traits are rarely seen together.

I think I’ll be okay, I just might need some time.  I’m really relishing my alone time to think through some of my problems as of late.  All of this not watching any television is really giving me time to self-analyze!  I just hope that everyone who cares about me will give me a little time to come around.

xoxo,

Annie

• When I get this horrible smell and taste that sticks around forever, but I technically can’t smell at all, so it’s some weird brain thing.  I do not like it at all.  I’m sure some strange medication that I take has it as a side effect.
• My poor intestines aren’t doing great as of late.
• I have a solidly plugged left ear and no real idea what to do about it.
• Complicated feelings all over the place…I have no idea what to do with them or how to process them or where to place my trust.  I’m going to keep it to myself for a while I think.
• When I accidentally double-dose myself with medication because of my foggy brain!
• Communication getting all messed up between people and everyone ending up confused and unhappy as a process, but I think we’re all moving forward (I hope, I can’t deal with any more drama!).
• Trying to get in better shape but having my body give up on me every time (I just tried again, so here’s hoping tomorrow isn’t too bad!).
• When my mom worries about me, which is something I never try to cause on purpose!!
• Seeming to never have enough hours in the day to do what I want to get done.

Daniel Dolpire’s awesome picture of 6 male pride lions hanging out together, which is so rare. These lions could go eat some people for me if need be!  If only.

Haha, this was pretty much the message I was giving out last night!

I haven’t been able to watch this show since the split, but today I managed to get through one episode of The Colbert Report again!  I loved the act-off with Olivia Wilde!

I wish I felt better after I wrote these down today, but I don’t really.  It usually works for me, I guess I’m just a little bit off my game.  It will be time to try again tomorrow.  How are you all?

xoxo,

Annie

• Music, a.k.a. what is keeping me sane
• Sour gummy soothers dipped in chocolate
• A good hug
• Sunshine and how it’s making all my flowers blossom
• A fixed printer!!
• Bed for my sore aching body
• Tumblr friends!
• New Futurama
• Talking out difficult situations with my psychologist
• Sleeping in the mornings after not being able to sleep at night.
• Jon letting me keep the iPad account and even buy a game now and then!
• Madagascar 3. I like to move it, move it.
• Seeing Meaghan after all these years and feeling more comfortable with her than anyone I’ve spent time with in SO LONG!
• My mom’s birthday!!!

Cute Otter showing off her baby!!!

I love Kurt Vonnegut and I love the Arts!

Hahaha, they are definitely not for old people, but my life definitely involves many horizontal life pauses!

What are you grateful for this week?  What little things are making life worth living for you?  I’d love to hear them!

xoxo,

Annie

Why must feelings be so complicated?

The beautiful Anais Pouliot, whose expression pretty much sums up how I feel.

It is indeed.

The literal scale of ups and downs haha

I’d really like to get a handle on this whole emotion business.  I still have to leave the room when I watch The Lion King at the part where Mufasa dies.  It would be nice to get a handle on the whole thing…or I need to start buying more waterproof mascara!!

Who else is riding this wave with me?

xoxo,

Annie

Some songs that I have had on rotation during the last two months:

You Learn – Alanis Morrissette

If It Makes You Happy – Sheryl Crow

Don’t Speak – No Doubt

Torn – Natalie Imbruglia

Nothing Compares 2 U – Sinead O’Connor

It Must Have Been Love – Roxette

Losing My Religion – R.E.M.

Someone Like You – Adele

Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis

Need You Now – Lady Antebellum

Gotye – Somebody That I Used To Know

The One That Got Away – Katy Perry

You Oughta Know – Alanis Morrissette

Definitely a selection of breakup songs, with some being angry, some sad, and some bittersweet.  I think music is an important part of the healing ritual.  Soon I’ll start listening to the break-up songs where people come out even stronger, as that is what I hope happens.  These songs are almost finished me thinks.

I have no idea how long it will take for me to be able to 100 percent open my heart to someone else.  I’m terrified of hurting like this again.  I was never good at the dating scene, and I thought it was over.  Now, even though I’m definitely putting myself first, I’m back in that world.  I’m not sure what to think about the whole thing.

Oi vey.  Maybe I should build a little brick wall around my heart.  I think that would be good.  Not helpful in the long run, but good.

“How does it feel?  To be on your own, with no direction home, like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone” ~ Bob Dylan

xoxo,

Annie

Well, after a couple of months, I am feeling like I might be moving onward and upward with life.

I thoroughly enjoy spending the evenings with my parents as they are so funny and cool, and while I feel lonely in the process of having to make new friends, I never feel that same emptiness that I felt from being in the same room with someone and yet feeling like they weren’t really there.  This change has been so surreal, but I’m coming back to reality.

I have more time to do the things I want.  I haven’t been sleeping at night very well lately, and then I have to sleep during the day, which limits my productivity somewhat, but hopefully I’ll get back on track!  There are so many things that I want to do, but I need to slow my brain down and work on finishing one thing at a time, instead of having 80 projects on the go.

I can’t wait to be able to go to the beach.  Most of my favorite memories of my life have been made there, so I look forward to be able to invigorate my life again in the cold salt water of the North Shore.  I’m trying to put the good memories of the past 4 years in a compartment in my brain for later, and leaving some of the bad ones behind (although those are always the ones that stick…).

I feel stronger than yesterday.

One day at a time right?

Thanks Mr. Rat! But my sadness is dissipating!

How are all my loves doing?  I’d love to hear a supportive word or two!

xoxo,

Annie

• Apparently, I’m too self-obsessed with how hard life is for me, which is frustrating for other people and drives them away…I wish I could not talk about it, but it’s so hard sometimes!  I wish I could just keep my mouth shut, but then I wouldn’t have such lovely blog and twitter supporters!  It’s hard to win in this world.
• My ex moving on so quickly.  Ouchies.
• These constant stomachaches that double me over in pain.  I have no idea what’s wrong, but if they don’t ease up, I soon need a date with the gastro specialist.
• Crying = migraines, so I really have to cut that shit out.
• Dreaming of making up with an old friend who I have tried to explain things to, but then waking up and realizing that it didn’t happen.
• Having a hard time trying to find out what I could join around this place where I could potentially make a few new friends…
• Insomnia…when I want to sleep for a good long time is when I’m wide awake typing blog posts in the middle of the night.

And being that I now feel guilty for doing this, I’m going to stop early.

Maybe by next Monday my guilt will dissipate and I’ll be back to being my regular self, who knows.

For every single one of my friends, and even for myself.

A little inspiration to not give up.

Keep on dreaming, it’s so important.

How are you all doing?  Good, bad, otherwise?  Let me know in the comments, I definitely feel the need for some human connection.  Love you all.

xoxo,

Annie