So I’ve been on a waiting list to see a pain management clinic in Halifax for about 2 years now.  Apparently I’m getting closer to the top of the list, so of course I start to get a little nervous.

I am aware that nearly all pain clinics do not like to use opiates as their drug of choice.  There are some interesting new alternatives out now, like Ketamine, which I would be interested in trying.  However, I am absolutely TERRIFIED that they are going to strip me of the opiates in favor of something that doesn’t work as well.  Until I started the opiates a few years ago, I had NO semblance of a life whatsoever.  I was in mind-blowing pain, unable to do ANYTHING, and completely bedridden.  At least now I can usually move again, and accomplish some things for myself around the house.  Before I had a doctor brave enough to put me on opiates, my entire life was suffering.  It wasn’t a life.  I didn’t want to live, because existence was worse than I could ever imagine.

Now, I don’t like certain side effects that come with opiates, and I most certainly don’t like the addictive factor (although to be honest, all of the drugs I am on are equally chemically addictive to my body…).  So many people recommend that I detox and just start over from scratch, but that is a hell scenario that I’m not entirely sure I want to go through.

On top of that, my psychiatrist from the last few years is leaving the Island, and my last appointment with him is coming right up.  A new psychiatrist means new diagnoses and/or ideas of what is wrong, as well as potential med changes, when really the ones I have are working reasonably well.  Things are certainly being shaken up on the doctor front, and I’m scared the medication will change as well.

I can only hope that whatever does get changed is for the better, and if it isn’t, perhaps I can get my family doctor to still prescribe whatever needs to be prescribed (although she can’t really take care of the psych meds).  With the loss of my healthcare plan, it will be important to try to keep my meds to the lowest possible cost, but how that will work out, I don’t know.

Big changes are on the horizon for my medical treatment.  I’m feeling rather wary of the whole thing.

xoxo,

Annie

One of my favorite things about fashion magazines (besides their ability to teach me how to present myself in the best possible way), is the always creative and stunning fashion editorials.  Some of the best photographers in the world work on these, and they never fail to be a source of creative inspiration.

Solve Sundsbo – The Ever Changing Face of Beauty for W Magazine, feat. Lara Stone

These pictures truly rock my world, and make me think of just how many artistic ventures one can accomplish via photography and Photoshop.  His passion for his work truly comes through in these pages.  I just wish that someday, I can manage to create something even half as cool as this.

Hope you are all in reasonable health today!

xoxo,

Annie

I have slept the whole night of exactly one night since my move.  That would be a month ago.  Those aren’t great odds.  I may catch an hour here or there, but nothing one could call substantial.  It’s starting to make me more ill, and I can’t understand why I can never sleep anymore!  My sleep was never good in the first place, but it’s gone downhill fast!

I purchased a new gel foam bed which is getting delivered on Saturday.  Everyone who loves me, please cross your fingers that I can get a decent night’s sleep once again!

Things I’m Doing Since I Can’t Nap For The Life Of Me:

• Blogging (wow, you’d never have figured that one out on your own, would you now?)
• Reading Mockingjay (the last book in The Hunger Games trilogy!) – I seriously recommend this book series everyone!  It’s kept me on the edge of my seat!
• Attempting to write something of interest.  It’s been too long since I did any kind of writing that wasn’t for this blog.
• Listening to my music on shuffle – half of the songs on here I completely forgot I had!
• As a result, having a mini dance party in my computer chair, despite the fact that it’s making me dizzy and nauseous.
• Wishing that my mother would order cable television so I’d have something to watch, but then I’d probably be less artistic.  Still, there are days you seriously need to veg out to mindless tv!
• I do have Netflix though, so that might have to get turned on later!
• Playing on Polyvore to expand my fashion knowledge, searching for funny pictures, and looking at photos of other places (kind of like vicarious travel!).
• Learning more about Buddhism, my spiritual guidance tool of choice.
• Working on my beloved old art journal that I haven’t touched in ages!

Sadly, I got more nauseous and now these activities will have to go on hold for a little bit.  The fact that I was doing all of these things at the same time seriously makes me think about why I probably never get anything done.  Need to learn how to avoid the multitasking desire!

This feels about accurate…

What do you guys do to pass the time when you’re tired but wired?

xoxo,

Annie

• These weird blood pressure attacks that I keep having that are making me immensely sick.  They scare me and I do not enjoy being scared.
• Wanting to start some new projects and having barely any energy to devote to the tasks.
• Wondering if my room is going to swamp me from having so many pictures in it, or if it is going to inspire artistry :/.
• My cat broke some of my jewelry and some decorations.  Note to self: do not leave anything on the bookshelf except for books!  He also went and knocked half of dad’s bookshelf over!
• As much as I love the heat we’ve been having, it drains me!
• Unnecessarily mean comments that are happening to both me and a few people that I love!
• That my dad is extremely noisy as he is partially deaf and I have super-sensitive hearing…
• Learning to let go, but hoping I can maintain a friendship.
• Pants that just barely fit.  Goal – lose ten pounds of medication weight gain.  That will be tougher than it sounds…

At least we’re all not this guy haha

In honor of my three day migraine event of last week!

The joyful evolution of medicine LOL

Hopefully you at least got a kick out of some of the pictures!  If there is anything getting under your skin, be sure to write it down.  Everything seems a little less overwhelming when it gets put on paper (or the Internet!).  If you want to share with me, I would love that too!

xoxo,

Annie

• My wonderful twitter friends!
• Mr. Marms being all fluffy and in bed with me <3
• Taking pictures of all the blooms in my backyard, which look amazing…
• Gardening and picking out the flowers myself .
• Catching up on all the blogs that I haven’t had time to read in the last few weeks…
• Essie’s Meet Me At Sunset, which is the most stunning color!
• My mom just got home from her meetings in Nova Scotia – I missed her, but my dad was pretty awesome and watched movie marathons with me .
• Ice cream.  I eat too much of it for my own good though.
• Going to see The Avengers with Andrew.
• Watching Cupcake Wars
• SLEEPING.  Not that I’m getting much of it lately!

It’s hard to find things to love when my migraine refuses to end!  My brain feels like it’s going to explode.

My Marms is a dandy lion too

I wish I could hang up on reality!

Yeah.  I’m trying to be fine.  It’s working out more in the mediocre line of things…

What are you loving this week?  Share with me the little things that make your week worth living.  I’d love an extra burst of happiness!

xoxo,

Annie

Migraines are the bane of my existence.

I’ve taken Maxalt, painkillers, caffeine, lots and lots of water, and even soaked up some sun.  Alas, it’s still there, turning my brain into painful mush.  I swear, I have no idea what to do to kill these things!!

My next attempt is going to be a nap, but whether that manages to happen is up in the air.

Seriously, of all things I am afflicted with, migraines have to be in the top 3 most debilitating.  I seriously wish I could manage them without being stuck in a dark room, begging for relief.

Bah humbug.

xoxo,

Annie

I’m a sucker for a good film festival like Cannes, because we get to see such great fashion!  Here are my Top 10 favorites:

Diane Kruger – who was on the judging panel, and subsequently had the best outfits of anyone!!

Freida Pinto

Barbara Palvin

Bella Heathcote

Berenice Bejo

Jessica Chastain

Kristen Stewart and Kirsten Dunst

Freida Pinto

Gemma Arterton

Diane Kruger

I love how fresh, pretty, and full of Spring everyone looks!  The colors are fantastic and the prints are even better…definitely inspire me to add more to my wardrobe!  You can tell who my two favorites were as they were featured twice on this list!!  Jessica Chastain would have easily taken third place if I had more spaces!

Which one is your favorite?

Do you believe in the idea that dressing better makes you feel better??  I do, but only in the moments where I don’t have awful allodynia or temperature dysregulation.  In those cases, I just want my sweatpants and bed!

xoxo,

Annie

My psychologist is constantly teaching me how to “ground myself”.  I consider this theory somewhat similar to meditation, which I also enjoy.  It’s basically taking yourself out of your head and concentrating on the present moment and what is happening around you.  Of all the tools I have to help myself with depression and chronic illness, it’s probably the best one, as I have a tendency to drift off into either a fantasy world or the painful past (neither of which are particularly useful).

One of my favorite ways to ground myself is by coloring or drawing.  When you are that focused on lines and colors and ideas, it’s hard to get lost in bad memories.  I also like to pick up a good novel, but it has to be really good, because otherwise I have a terrible attention span.  Cuddling Mr. Marms is always a good option.  Sometimes I try to dance with him, but he doesn’t seem to enjoy it much!  Writing is important for me, as it lets me spill those feelings out onto paper, and then they retreat from my mind for a little while.  When I throw on some music in the background, I do even better, as it provides some inspiration!

She also recommends occasional escapism (just not all of the time!).  I can manage to watch television shows, but have a hard time with movies, as they are so long!  Magazines allow me to get lost in a beautiful world of fashion creation and stunning people.  I can manage to daydream up a storm easily enough too!

I still enjoy taking time to sit down in a quiet place and position myself for meditation and just let the thoughts roll through my mind until my head is empty.  I like to make notes of what pops up, and if it’s mean I have to negate it, because the depression manages to trick my brain into saying not great things.  I’ve been doing better as the years go by though, and I’m proud of myself for it.

One of my favorite things in life!

Let it all drift away!

An important reminder in tattoo form!

What do you do to stay grounded?

xoxo,

Annie

• I need to be writing more than I am…I need to put up a big sign in my room to remember to keep my eye on the prize!
• The pain after gardening for the afternoon!  On the plus side, I got to help out my mom, and the flowerbeds look fantastic now – so it’s a lose-win situation!
• JUNE BUGS – they fly into my hair, make the grossest noises, and when you step on them they just crunch.  *SHUDDER*
• The fact that I always get ridiculously hungry the minute that I settle into bed…
• My kitty cat has been super distant with all of us lately.  Hrmm…wonder what’s going on inside Mr. Marms’ head.
• The fact that a friend of mine got verbally attacked all over twitter for speaking her mind and having an opinion.  It’s happened to me before on Facebook so I can relate.  I don’t know why people just can’t live and let live.
• Watching Sex and the City made me both optimistic and teary-eyed last night.
• For some reason, absolutely no food appeals to me…
• I miss him (but I’m trying not to…)

My LIFE.

I LOVE YOU TWITTER FRIENDS!

Isn’t this just the truth??

What is getting under your skin this week?  I always figure, if you can change things – change them, and if you can’t – put them on paper (or the Internet in my case…).  Sending love and light to all of you!

xoxo,

Annie

• My heating pad/pain pills (it’s been a tough pain week!)
• Cuddles from my kitty cat
• Blankets
• The Internet for connecting me with such loving individuals…
• Tumblr and Pinterest for letting me find the most beautiful pictures!
• My mom’s cooking
• A bedroom that actually looks like a bedroom
• My art books came in the mail from Amazon yesterday!
• Sleep (I’m not getting much of it, and I want it sooo badly!)
• Andrew for being the first person to come visit me at my new home!!  Plus, he made me laugh harder than I have in ages!  Love him!
• Catching Fire
• Stila lip gloss
• Strawberries
• Coffee
• Polyvore contests, which challenge me, but I’m still dying to win one!

I wish I was as comfy as this cat!!

I got a good laugh today, now I just need the long sleep!

So punny!

What are you all grateful for at the end of this week?  I’d love if you’d share some of the happy with me!

xoxo,

Annie