I am tired of crying.

I’m not sure if it is going to ever stop or not.

I feel fragmented, as I’m being juggled between three separate living locations.  It makes my heart hurt, but I honestly am having too many issues for it not to occur.

Everyone has been wonderful and supportive.  It isn’t their fault that my pain and hormones are not yet being properly managed, and they are all going out of their way to make me feel as comfortable as possible.  Sadly, these moves are disrupting my sleep schedule – and the less I sleep, the higher the pain levels go.

My skin cannot be touched, I want to do emergency surgery on my ovaries, and my headaches are non-stop.

The codeine tabs (even taken with tylenol) are sadly not enough, but I’m scared to call my pain clinic in case they come to the conclusion that I’m a drug addict :/.

Grrrrr…

I hate ranting on this blog.

So here are my mantras of the evening:

1. I will work to control what I CAN control, and I will try to let go of everything else.
2. A situation WILL eventually work its way out in time.
3. I AM deserving of love and support, even though I currently feel like a slightly-advanced toddler.
4. The more grateful I try to be, the more reasons I can find to be grateful.
5. It is enough to have done my best.

• Guilt complexes.
• Mosquito bites.
• Forgetting my pencil crayons for my new crazy-awesome coloring book!
• The fact that it takes 8 hours to backup my computer.
• My last doctor’s appointment, where I went completely bat-shit.
• Cats who are too cute and get in the way of writing blog posts (haha).
• Missing my twitter friends!
• A computer that is dying, despite the fact that my dad soldered my computer cord and gave it a golf tee splint.
• Medication that is so complicated that even my pharmacist mother gets confused when trying to put it in a weekly container set!
• The lovely stress break-out I have going on.
• Writing this post on the oddest angle ever as we have a very short extension cord here! Ow.

“It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”


Chuck Palahniuk

xoxo,
Annie

Well, I know a lot of people have been wondering what has happened to me lately (especially those on twitter, who get to see the mega-traumatized posts!).

My medications keep being changed and I am constantly bouncing between strung out and suicidal.  I have been having issues with my relationship.  My laptop/keyboard/ is broken.  I haven’t been able to keep myself sufficiently fed, and being alone was making me claustrophobic and miserable.  The sounds were too loud, there were too many people, and I suffer from severe over-sensitization.  I no longer fully trust myself to be around only myself.  I needed a support team.

An opportunity arose to move into my best friend’s house in the country.  At first I wasn’t sure, but I was sitting down with a cup of tea, looking at the view, and I knew it was the right decision to make for my health.

I’m inconveniencing my boyfriend, and I know this (hopefully, everything will work out…).  But at this stage, a move is pretty much a life or death situation.  My mother will live 10 minutes up the road, so I will get a combination of independence and constant support.

I need quiet.
I need to be able to go outside.
I need to be able to not feel like a prisoner.
But most of all, I need more help.
(And money, but I always need money!)

I’m wishing for peace of mind.  This situation is surreal.
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Slowly working my way through my old favorite “Where the Sidewalk Ends” by Shel Silverstein.  SO MUCH LOVE for it!…thought I’d add that on .

How is everyone else’s weekend?  Hopefully less dramatic than mine!!

xoxo,
Annie

• It’s almost Invisible Illness Week!  I’m so excited and want to play a part in it!
• Websites that stream television, as I am too poor to be able to pay for cable.
• Friends who will come be with you whenever your life is falling apart.
• Beautiful places in the countryside.
• That the people in my life are healthier than I am .
• Chamomile tea.
• The full moon.
• Down blankets.
• Driving from ominous black storm clouds into the light!
• Cats (with dull claws…haha)
• Chocolate
• Bright colors. Lots of them. Need cheer.

(Images from WeHeartIt)

What are you loving this week?  My computer is breaking and I’ve had about 8 sob attacks this week so cheery responses are much needed!

xoxo,

Annie

I’m contemplating moving out to the country.

I am having moderate panic attacks about the whole thing, but they are mostly related to change and the lack of control I feel over any situation.  I should think positive.  I should think about the changes, such as the ability to go outside without it being a huge event with staring people.  The thought of not having drug users in our hallway and a drug dealer upstairs is mind-blowing.  We could have a place that wouldn’t have a hole through the wall in the hallway, the narrow staircase, or the backwards door (can anyone say fire hazard??).  There would potentially be more help to take care of my failings at emotional regulation.

Jon is thinking he might be okay with coming with me, as I’ve started to cry all the time again and I’m back to the insomnia.

I think I need a change.  I just need to figure out how.

This week is just another crazy ride of medication changes, so it only makes sense that I try to soak up the pop culture scene.

Criminal Minds:

I have been soaking this show up like a sponge over the last week! I’ve watched the entirety of Season 5!  I have had an obsession with cop shows from a very early age, and it apparently isn’t stopping anytime soon – especially as my health is being so volatile.  I am moderately in love with Reed (FYI).  The whole show fascinates me though, to view what could possibly going on in the minds of some of the world’s most hardened criminals.

Sleeper:

This was ADORABLE!  I can’t believe I have managed to go this long in my life without checking out this particular Woody Allen movie .  He is cryogenically frozen and released into the most hilariously bizarre totalitarian society.  Also, I’m not sure if Diane Keaton has ever been more cute than in this movie.

Jeff Buckley:

Some of the lovely friends that I have met online and I are making plans to all meet up in Amsterdam in a few years!

I rarely have big events to look forward to, so this is one that actually has me half-determined to keep pushing forward!

I would need to get a passport and a lot of money, but it would be so much fun!  I have not traveled anywhere outside of Canada and the United States, and I want to experience that European charm!.  Plus, I would be going with fellow afflicted individuals, so there would be a much slower and more tolerable pace.

This situation may never happen.  But even if it doesn’t, it will make fine daydream material for awhile .

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(This is totally to help distract from the massive emotional breakdown I am having!)

What are the locations of your daydream vacations??

xoxo,
Annie

• The fact that I didn’t get a post up on Sunday because I didn’t feel good enough to write one .  I think that is the first day I have missed a post in a LONG time.
• I am going up on my Modafinil and find I’m getting more and more tired.  I’m guessing my body is managing to maneuver its way around the drug.
• I have been stuck at the same spot in my Fight Like A Girl Club article for the last 3 days.
• People who think that their way of living is vastly superior to others.
• Mood swings.  I’m not down with them (despite having them constantly!).
• That karma does not seem to exist, even though I desperately cling to the idea!
• Spiders.  They scare me.  
• Not being able to be cook things for myself anymore (brought more to the surface of my brain as I had the most AMAZING meals courtesy of my lovely friend Sarah this weekend!).
• I wish I lived in the country.
• And I wish I had watermelon right now.
• Sore throats.
• Sleep deprivation (I’m pretty sure I saw double of everything last night!)
• A recent lack of commenting.  And me commenting on others blogs.  We all need to get back on the bandwagon!  

Needless to say, my week has been all over the map.  Starting to feel overwhelmed again, so help take my mind off of it and rant away with me!  Let loose some of those cranky thoughts .

“I think there is something beautiful in reveling in sadness. The proof is how beautiful sad songs can be. So I don’t think being sad is to be avoided. It’s apathy and boredom you want to avoid. But feeling anything is good, I think. Maybe that’s sadistic of me.”


~Joseph Gordon-Levitt

How is everyone’s weekend going?!?! I’m a little sickly, so low-key post .