I may be sick.  I may not be able to get out of it.  Somehow, I am more or less coming to terms with all of this.  I don’t think it ever becomes fully adjusted to as a lifestyle choice, but one has to do what they have to do.


I am back on all of my meds (and never went remotely cold turkey!!), and my body and brain are slightly more comfortable but they still aren’t working.  Countdown until next doctor’s appointment is on.


Until then, I purchased all of Gala Darling‘s podcasts/writings to read/listen to, as I think she is so fantastic! I can’t wait to have the energy to go through them all.  


On top of that, I’m doing my best to create lists of easy to make foods so that I can try and take care of myself once I move back into my Charlottetown apartment.  


I am trying to listen to my body more (although it is sometimes impossible to understand!), and working on bringing some new med ideas to the doctors’ appointments in the upcoming month.


What is helping me to get by?

• My amazing family
• My brilliant boyfriend
• Journals
• Self help articles: http://ht.ly/2iUTE, http://tinybuddha.com/blog/make-now-count-how-to-live-a-fun-life-full-of-possibilities/, http://theboldlife.com/2010/07/2729/, http://livethecharmedlife.com/2010/06/100-ways-to-be-elegant/
• Telling myself that it is okay that I failed in my goal, but that the more important step is that I pick myself back up and dust myself off.

Things that are making my life tolerable through this week:

• My mom seems to be okay.  I love her.  She is amazing.  I cannot lose her.  I appreciate her in so many ways, and the thought eats me up inside.
• Jonathan has been wonderful and supportive.  I think we are going to come out okay too.
• I am able to write again(ish)!  My head has been in such a bad spot that I couldn’t even put thoughts together.
• My sister is home for 5 days!!! I so rarely get to see her and she is the cheeriest, most wonderful treat!
• A queen size bed – Jon and I seriously need to invest in one.  Good life choice.
• To know that support is out there, no matter how isolated I feel.  I just need to learn to reach out.  Which is a surprisingly hard thing to do.
• The raising again of my medication. Scary to think how much control something has over your life.  Still, I feel somewhat better than I did before!
• Coffee ice cream.
• Half priced nights at the movie theater!
• My stuffed dinosaurs!
• Sleeping on top of the bed with a quilt, trying to trick my brain into thinking it is a nap so I can chill out…yes, I’m neurotic.
• I wrote a to-do list!  I haven’t done anything, but it was a start!  
• Ginger snaps…for being there for my nausea beast

Lately, my posts have been kind of scattered and out of sorts.  It’s been a rough week.

I don’t have a whole lot of energy to write this post, but I’m going to anyways. I want to keep my life as regular as possible, and I love this blog more than just about anything!  Thank you for all of your love and support yesterday, I’m feeling better about potentially someday having a normal life .

I haven’t watched much (or read, or moved, or anything…) lately, but here are some reviews of what actually went in my brain.

The Slammin’ Salmon:

This was one of the funniest movies I have ever watched in my entire life.  I did not expect anything of it going into it, but it kept me entertained the entire time (even if some of it is kind of horrible!!).  It a film that just one-ups each of its gags, but it is worth it for a laugh.  I need laughs right now.  I need to find myself a copy.

Match Point:

Smart, clever, sexy…but not in my favorite Woody Allen movies.  It just doesn’t have his humor, which is what I relate too most.  Still a fantastic watch, but certainly doesn’t make you feel any better about life by the time you come to the ending.  Save this movie for when you are willing to ponder the way the world works, and not if you are depressed.

Charade:

I put this on (one of my favorite movies of all time - dialogue wise!) and promptly fell asleep on the boyfriend. Either way, one of the most fun movies to use to steal your time!  It’s always lovely .

Inception:

AMAZING. As close to perfect as perfect gets. Go. ASAP. All I need to say.

Fill me in on your pop culture recommendations!!

xoxo,
Annie

Severe emotional dysregulation.

So, it’s been a downer of a week – let’s see if I can get some of it off of my chest!

• My body hurts more than it ever has in my life. If it gets worse than this, my brain will check out!
• Not being able to take care of myself – I’m trying to fight for my independence back, although sometimes I worry that it isn’t a fair battle.
• I have to sleep alone and I’m having a terrible go with staying down for more than a couple hours at a time.
• My brain hurts when I think of the spreadsheets I am going to be churning out this week, but I’m excited to make plans for change all the same!
• The endless dark thoughts. I don’t like them, I don’t want them around…I play tv, movies, and music…but sometimes they creep in all the same.
• The fact that my boyfriend’s mother is feeling so horrible and that I can’t do anything to help!
• I have to spend money…but it will be on getting a cell phone so I can stay in touch with people!
• The fact that even though it hurts for me to lay in bed and type this –> I’m not writing any more negative things.  This change is going to be for the better.  No matter what.  

So, I’ve gotten the occasional comment on twitter that what I’m doing right now does not look right.

So far, the last two weeks have been closer to hell than I really wanted to know about – so I’m going to post pictures of cute, fuzzy animals that may make me (and some of you!) feel better.

Send me all your warm fuzzies people! I’m detoxing from meds and so far it has been about negative amounts of pretty .

Lots of love,
Annie

• Cleaning to music.  In fact, doing anything to music.  I don’t care, I just want music on!
• My boyfriend has been wonderful to me since our little moment of instability.
• Air conditioning…I feel like I’m going to keel over and die in this heat…in fact, I did keel over haha.
• Tweetdeck on my computer now.  I get excited any time a message pops up!
• My online besties. They know who they are and they know I love them to pieces.
• The fact that today I feel like my body/mind is about 20% less spastic…the med reduction is totally slowly working (probably from the mass clonazepam…)
• Being able to feel strength in my legs for the first time all week! Wooo, I missed walking!

• The fact that I got to get to know my friend and her daughter better by staying at her house all weekend.
• The Internet for running some distraction.
• It briefly cooled down on this Island. Thank God.
• I can’t wait to see Inception and Salt!

(Images from WeHeartIt)

I’m having a really hard week my loves! Tell me what you are grateful for this week!

So today I am going to talk about meltdowns, as I have a serotonin toxicity thing going on in my body.

I know we all have them.  Those with a chronic illness tend to have them a bit more than average.  I might even have them a bit more than average of the chronic illness group hahaha.

I have meltdowns over money because I can’t work.
I have meltdowns over feeling like a burden.
I have meltdowns over being scared I’m going to die.
I have meltdowns over the fact that sometimes dying crosses my mind as a good thing.
I have meltdowns over the amount of anxiety from not properly controlled brain chemicals/hormones.
I have meltdowns over keeping my boyfriend awake when he has to work in the morning and I don’t.
I have meltdowns over large groups of people and lots of noise.
I have meltdowns over the idea of living a long life with this much pain.
I have meltdowns over the fact that a simple shower or hug can hurt me.
I have meltdowns that I am only 23 years old and seriously lack on the ability to have fun.
I have meltdowns because no one I know in person understands what I am going through.
I have meltdowns because the people that do understand are in the Internet world and I wish I could be with them when they are in pain.
I have meltdowns that my boyfriend will no longer find me attractive.
I have meltdowns when people change their plans with me at the last minute because it takes me so long to prepare for any outing.

Basically, I have started Cryfest 2010.

As a result, I’m sorry if I’m behind on reading people’s blogs – I can hardly manage to write my own.  For some reason I choose to do this instead of anything else.  I need the therapy of it I think.

Anyone else having meltdowns these days??

xoxo,
Annie