I may be getting hospitalized today.

Hopefully, I’ll be back.

xoxo,
Annie

Mmm…I am absolutely exhausted at the beginning of this week.

• The fact that my meds are SO hard to adjust.  Pain alleviates when I up the SSRI, but I turn into a complete and total head case.  Zero emotional control.  
• As a result of this current brain chemistry, I have a continual chest pain knot that I have had off and on since I was 13.  Not pleasant.
• Loneliness.  I’m becoming close to a hermit.
• Excessive thoughts of existentialism.
• The fact that my earrings seemed to have gotten lost in the mail
• Getting stuck in a crowd of people.
• Having to take my paper snowflakes off of the windows because it isn’t winter anymore! (The first part boo – the latter yay!)
• Waking up and still having a headache.

Ick.  Mondays.

What’s getting you down??

xoxo,

Annie

THE ChronicBabe herself, Editrix Jenni, asks about our thoughts on chronic illness and work, (“bringing home the bacon” as they say), this time around for our blog carnival.

This is a touchy subject on my part.  I am currently unemployed, as well as being completely unable to hold down a job as a result of my current state of health.  I do not have disability support.  I bring in absolutely NO income and manage to be a reasonable financial burden, carried by both my parents and my boyfriend/common-law.  I have also never held a job longer than 3 months in my entire life.

As a result, I place a serious amount of guilt upon myself (even though I know I should be kind and forgiving!).  I feel like I SHOULD be able to find something to bring in money, or at least try and stay healthy enough to work part-time hours.  So it goes…mental battle ensues.

I set one goal for myself in the last six months and that was to get this blog in shape and attract 100 unique visitors a day.  I wanted to treat it like a job, my one connection to the kind of lives so-called “normal” people live.  I am happy to say that I have only missed posting one day on this blog in the last few months.  In my opinion, that’s a pretty good track record.  I do this to remind myself that I actually am just sick and not somehow lazy without my knowledge.

I daydream every single day about the possibility of making money from my writing.  It’s something I can do at any time, and I surely seem to have something to say about every subject.

But when it comes right down to it…I cannot currently keep myself alive.  I am dependent on others.  I often worry that maybe it’s because I’m not clever enough to come up with a brilliant ‘make money at home’ strategy.  Or maybe I just don’t have the energy.  Who knows?

Either way, it’s not a nice feeling.

xoxo,
Annie

xoxo,
Annie

• The fact that I’m finally starting to feel better(ish) after having my body attacked by something rather violent that upped both my fear of death and desire for death at the same time.
• Britain’s Next Top Model being so gosh-darn amusing.
• The poems of Emily Dickinson.
• Having the BEST boyfriend who takes super-good care of me when I am sick (which God knows, is a lot!).
• The fact that Spring appears to have sprung!
• My mom just for being cool.
• Having my life sucked into other people’s Tumblrs.
• All the well wishes I got in blogging land.
• Grooveshark
• Green is Sexy a website by the lovely actress Rachel McAdams!
• The fact that my friend Sarah is so wonderful that she loaned me an entire pile of Adbusters magazines to read as I lay on the couch!
• Pictures

Bad, bad virus.

Put pain scale right to 10 out of 10.

Mind-blowing.

The Mystery of Pain
Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.


It has no future but itself,
Its infite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

~ Emily Dickinson

xoxo,
Annie

It’s been another week heavy on the movies.

Alice in Wonderland

I was not all that impressed with this one.  I went in after hearing a mixture of good and bad reviews, and have to say that my opinion lands squarely in the middle.  The movie is okay.  Nothing special.  The actress who plays Alice has absolutely no emotion on her face and none of the characters have any depth.  All the 3D felt gimmicky and I just found myself bored.

Shrink

I really enjoyed this quirky little film.  I’ve always liked seeing Kevin Spacey on screen, and this fits in with my ‘the world is bleak but find beauty in it anyway’ worldview.  He plays a prominent LA psychiatrist whose wife has recently committed suicide.  As a result, he finds solace in marijuana and slowly finds himself less and less able to help his patients.  Art is made as a result of his and one of his patient’s tragedies.

The Reader

Well this one was bleak.  It was an interesting way to tackle such taboo subject matter, with Ralph Fiennes’ young character remaining tied to his first love, a much older woman in prison for life as a result of her actions within Nazi Germany (despite the fact that she was framed for a much worse role).  This movie shows the impact that individuals can have on each other’s lives and is incredibly well done – but don’t expect to have your spirits lifted high.

Food Inc.

I already eat fairly healthily, but after watching this film, I felt as though I needed to make a stand regarding my food choices.  That is what they are going for obviously, and it works.  This movie is disturbing and disgusting.  It is a film that I believe every single individual should be responsible to see.  You will think about where you purchase what you put in your mouth from that point forward, as well as its contents.

That’s all for now, as I’m sleepy and need to go to the doctor in the morning.

xoxo,
Annie

Vladimir at Wellbook is hosting the next edition of the Patients for a Moment Blog Carnival and he asks a question that stirs a lot of mixed emotions in me.  He wonders - ”how have you learned to adapt around your illness in order to accomplish things that are important to you – even though your illness may prevent you from achieving the goals you had before you got sick?”

Wow, it’s Monday again already.

Things that are getting to me this week in my once-allowed crank-pot session:

• The fact that I get such severe side effects (particularly severe akathisia) from starting the Zyprexa up that I’m off of the drug one day after it is prescribed to me.  Blargh.
• My apartment needs to be cleaned.  Badly.  I have been putting it off for many days, but now that I’m capable of getting up and moving for brief periods again, I really should take care of it.
• I was disappointed in how many bloggers wrote for the Chronic Babe/General Chronic Illness Carnival – I started with 2 but at least got 2 more last night.
• The fact that my computer continually overheats.  And that megavideo cuts me off all the time.  I really should just pay for a subscription and get it over with.
• I keep trying to come up with interesting food combinations, but with how little I can eat these days…I’m falling pretty flat.
• My skin is not getting better even with the antibiotics.

What about you??  What’s making you be grumpy this Monday??

xoxo,
Annie